What Did You Just Say?
by hbthegr8
Summary: I've taken all the BD quotes from Stephenie's website and, well... created my own situations surrounding them. Bound to be hilarious. Will include all quotes of the day eventually. Enjoy!
1. Oh, Mike! How will I go on?

**A/N: This is a series of _short_ one-shots revolving around the Breaking Dawn quotes on Stephenie Meyer's website. They aren't all in order, and some may appear in more than one story, or two or more to a story, etc. I got creative, and thought up situations in which each of these quotes might belong. Just shows how pathetic I am and the methods I resort to while waiting for the world's greatest book ever. **

**Disclaimer: Sigh. I don't own Stephenie Meyer, her wonderful characters, the Twilight saga, none of it, okay? There goes another notch down on my self-esteem...**

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**Chapter One: "Oh, Mike! How Will I Go On?"**

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It was just another August day in the quaint little town of Forks, Washington. The weather was hot, humid, and of course, raining gently, despite the sunshine timidly attempting to peek through the constant cloud cover. Bella Swan had just finished her shift at Newton's and was getting ready to leave when Mike approached her hurriedly, obviously flustered about something.

"So…" he mumbled, trailing off, "you're getting married in a few days…"

Bella, ever so anxious to get out of the store and into the familiar Volvo waiting for her patiently outside, sighed.

"Yes, Mike, I am."

"Well, just so you know…" he trailed off again, "I don't know if… I can be, well, you know… friends with you… after…" he looked at his feet.

Bella's eyes widened in obvious amusement.

"After I marry Edward?" She finished helpfully.

"Well… that's not what I meant, exactly… I mean, well… yeah… you know, I've always wanted you… and it's not fair, really… you weren't supposed to end up with him." Mike was still staring intently at his feet.

"And I was supposed to end up with who, exactly?" Bella asked pointedly, her eyes boring into his obnoxiously gelled blonde hair.

"Um… well… me," he finished, carefully looking up to study Bella's face, which had slowly changed from amused to annoyed to finally, livid. He flinched and took a step back.

"That's why I've decided I can't be friends with you anymore," he added confidently, sure this conversation was going in the right direction, despite Bella's facial expressions trying to convince him otherwise.

"Oh, Mike! How will I go on?" Bella spit out sarcastically, turning on her heel and heading for the double glass doors at the front of the store, where Edward had gotten out of his car and was now waiting impatiently, tapping his foot slowly on the linoleum tile floor.

Mike hesitated for a moment, trying to run his hands through his stiff hair, before calling angrily after her.

"Well, gosh, Bella! You don't have to be so RUDE!"

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**Reviews make me smile. Trust me, I have plans for the rest of the quotes, and am writing them as you speak... I mean, review. **


	2. Why am I covered in feathers?

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**Chapter Two: "Why am I covered in Feathers?"**

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"Bella, love…" an angelic voice murmured to me. It sounded far away, so I was certain its origins were from the wonderful dream I was currently having.

"Bella," the voice said again, this time a little louder. I wasn't ready to get up yet, no matter how convincing that soft, musical voice sounded to me in my half-asleep state. I rolled over, but not into the comfort of the cold arms I was expecting. Instead, I rolled into something… _soft_. I shot up, rubbing my eyes furiously as I tried to wake myself up and figure out what was going on at the same time.

A quick glance around the room told me something was definitely wrong. For starters, the room was… _white_. Wait, no… _covered_ in something white. Another rub of the eyes and a closer look told me that the something in question was at least several thousand feathers, blanketing the floor, the bed, the couch, and, to my surprise, _me_. What the hell?

"Edward," I said dangerously, my voice still thick with sleep, "Why am I covered in feathers?"

A loud laugh rang out from the doorway, where my eyes found Emmett standing doubled over and shaking from the apparent hilarity of the situation. Hilarity? I think not. I was covered in _feathers_, for crying out loud!

"Okay, then, _Emmett_," I said, "What exactly is so funny? Why am I covered in feathers? And where's Edward?"

"You were… so fast asleep… can't believe you… didn't notice," he barely choked out, before he was overcome by another fit of laughter. It was then that I noticed Edward, standing behind him, eyeing me cautiously.

"Well?" I demanded, "Explain. Now."

"We had a pillow fight, Bella. Nothing to get too worked up over," Edward said calmly, walking slowly into the room, his face breaking into a knowing smirk as he trudged his way through the feathery mess to get to the bed, where I still sat, disbelieving.

"A w-what?" I spluttered, my gaze drifting back and forth between Edward perched serenly on the edge of the bed and Emmett clutching onto the doorframe, just barely recovering from his latest laughing fit.

"A _pillow fight_, Bella," Edward repeated, enunciating the words slowly, as if he were talking to a slow person. Which, at the moment, he was. I shook my head.

"But _why_?"

He shrugged. "Esme needed a good excuse to buy new pillows."


	3. Jasper, Edward, and Strippers, oh my!

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**Chapter Three: Jasper, Edward, and Strippers, oh my!**

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"Will someone _please_ tell me what is going on?" Bella fumed, facing all of the Cullens in the living room, each of who wore identical innocent expressions on their faces. Emmett had dragged Edward into the living room, and was whispering to him conspiratorially.

It was the evening before the wedding, and everyone had been avoiding Bella, as if they were hiding some big, important secret.

"Well? I don't get to see Edward at _all _tonight, so there might as well be a good reason _why_," she added pointedly. After a minute of no one saying anything, she turned to face each of them individually.

"Alice," she hissed, "why can't you tell me, of all people? You've seen what's going to happen anyway, and you would have freaked if it was anything bad."

"I can't," Alice replied simply, her facial expression remaining stoic.

"Can I tell her?" Emmett asked eagerly, which earned him a disapproving glance from both Carlisle and Esme.

"Whatever, it's your funeral," Rosalie muttered to her husband before swiftly exiting the room.

"We're throwing Edward a bachelor party!" Emmett announced gleefully.

"A _what_?" Bella's eyes narrowed as she spoke. "He's a _vampire_. Vampires can't have bachelor parties, it's not like they can drink alcohol, or anything…" She trailed off, her eyes suddenly filled with comprehension.

Carlisle took this opportunity to exit the room, Alice not far behind.

"And what do you mean by _we_?"

"Jasper and myself," Emmett replied.

This time, Bella turned to face Jasper.

"Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"

"That wouldn't be such a good idea, love," Edward said, "I mean, _think _about it. Jasper? In a _human_ strip club?" His tone sounded annoyed from having to point out the obvious.

"Hey!" Jasper cried indignantly. "My control has gotten a lot better, since, well…" he trailed off, not wanting to say what everyone in the room already knew.

"_My_ control, on the other hand, is amazing," Edward said confidently, until Bella reached up and smacked him lightly across the face.

"I didn't mean I was actually going to _go_ to a strip club, love, I just was commenting on how amazing my control was," he retorted innocently, the corners of his mouth turning up in a slight smirk.

"Right," Bella said, slightly exasperated, "so is anyone going to answer my question?"

"Actually, I was quite wondering that myself," Edward remarked, turning to face his brothers, and avoiding Esme's disapproving gaze. "What _do_ we do for bachelor parties?"

Emmett looked dumbfounded, and glanced at Jasper, who shrugged.

"That's a good point. We'll figure it out. Let's go."

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**A/N: Sorry for being so lame, I'd quite like to know myself what vampires would typically do at bachelor parties. Have an idea? Review. I might add to it later. **


	4. Alice Cullen and the Golden Object

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**Chapter Four: Alice Cullen and the Golden Object**

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"Alice," I groaned, "are you done yet?"

"Nope! Sit _still_, Bella, or I'll be forced to tie you to this chair," she threatened.

Alice was the only person, well, vampire I knew that could threaten you and make it sound like she was giving a little kid some candy.

I had been sitting in this chair for 3 hours, 26 minutes, and 37, now 38 seconds, letting Alice go all out with her game of Bella Barbie in order to prepare me for the biggest day of my (human) life. On top of it all, she wouldn't even let me see what she was doing, which made it so much worse.

"I have a leg cramp," I announced, hoping she would let me stand up and stretch a little.

"Too bad, I'm almost done," she promised, grinning as she turned to face me. "Actually…" she trailed off, digging through her bag for some more items to torture me with.

"Alice," I whined, "anything you do to me isn't going to make look any less plain when I'm standing up there next to Edward."

"No one will dare to call you plain when I'm through with you," she mused thoughtfully, a dangerous undertone lacing her musical voice, as she continued to dig through her bag.

"Only because they're afraid you'll suck their blood," I retorted calmly, knowing that it wasn't the case in the slightest.

"Bella," she warned.

"I know, I know," I half-apologized, raising my hands in a gesture of defeat, before she snapped them as gently as she could back to my sides.

"Give me five more minutes, Bella, and then I'll let you out of the chair," she said impatiently.

"Ah, I _knew_ I left it in this pocket!" She smiled, retrieving a small golden object from the front of the suitcase-like makeup bag.

"Of _course_ you knew," I said, annoyed, "all you had to do was look into your own future and-"

My voice broke as she stepped into my line of sight, holding up the golden object that I now recognized as an eyelash curler. I flinched.

"Oh no. You are not coming near me with that thing."

Alice just smiled knowingly.


End file.
